Picture of Ellio/Lee (he/him) holding his newborn babe posted with permission.
I am so excited to finally share this interview with you! On March 9, I started an interview with Ellio/Lee (either) (he/him, trans man), a parent to be and his partner Whitney (she/her, cis woman), who was carrying the baby. In the middle of the interview, the sweet bebe decided to start it’s journey into the world and Whitney went into labour! How precious is that!
Before the interview, Ellio/Lee said: “I’m happy to share (about our conception journey), especially if it helps others. I think one of the hardest parts… of this journey is not having someone to chat with that’s been through it. So, if I can help in that regard, I’m more than willing.”
N: What did your family’s conception journey look like, and where are you geographically located?
For privacy reasons, we will just say rural Ontario, Canada, for added context!
W: Our conception journey didn’t start with a bang or anything (PUN INTENDED? LOL), it was a lot of talking over the years of whether or not we want children, what our life would look like with children and what it would look like without children. And then I guess getting older, as well as, for me, getting diagnosed with a brain tumour in the beginning of 2019 spurred on the whole conception journey.
E/L: We were referred to a clinic, and we went from there.
W: We waited to be contacted by the fertility clinic…they ended up contacting us around Sept of 2020 and we had the very fun process of picking out sperm. [both laugh] There’s more that goes into it than you think there would be!
E/L: But less choices than you think there would be as well.
W: The pandemic spurred on a massive sale for cryobanks and they ended up starting to sell out of stuff too…So it was about a year from when we were referred to when I finally got pregnant, and we did a couple of inseminations before it was successful, and I got pregnant this past June! And I, as you know, am overdue now to have my baby.
[ both laugh ]
E/L: We were due a couple of days ago, but yeah, we’re pretty excited, and we’re happy that this journey has gone the direction we wanted it to and look forward to the next bit that’s coming up!
[ at this point, Whitney goes into early labour ]
N: Thank you so much for your responses I really appreciate your story. I’m so sorry to hear about that brain tumour diagnosis – what a way to give you that extra push to start your conception journey and what a powerful story.
You said you had multiple inseminations… for the people who are reading this, how did you keep going? And what would be your advice for other Queer folks who are going through that?
W: That is a very good question…at the outset we were positive, and then you do get emotional when it turns out to not be successful, but we just decided that we’ll try it till we run out of vials (of sperm), and then decided if we want to buy more and keep going. And there were times where we were both emotional about it and unsure if we wanted to do that next round, but luckily we got pregnant…I also got pregnant just before the fertility clinic was talking about taking the next step with fertility drugs and what that would look like for me as someone with a brain tumour…the type of tumour I have can affect your reproductive system. So yeah! [chuckle] As for advice for other Queer parents looking to do that journey and become parents…
E/L: I think it helps if you can surround yourself with some good friends and family, maybe someone who has been through it – whether they’re straight or not – I know we reached out to several different friends all over the place, we joined a couple of groups here and there… Finding that niche online to help you, it’s super helpful.
W: But also remembering that everybody’s story is different…And that kind of keeps you positive as well knowing that anything can happen and to keep the hope.
N: Thank you so much for that response. And that’s really a huge reason why I started Queer Nest Club. I’m so excited that labour has started. I’m sending all the good labour vibes – calm and strength and love and oxytocin. If you want to share what some of your birth plans are…that would be phenomenal. Another thing I’d love to know is what has made you both feel most affirmed on this journey to baby so far?
E/L: We decided to go with the Kawartha Midwives because we had a nice chat with them, and they seemed to be more in tune to what we wanted out of our childbirth, and that was to have the flexibility to do what we want! We were thinking we might want to do a waterbirth, and there’s not a lot of places set up for that, so…
W: …and hospitals with Covid and stuff, we didn’t know at the time, just felt more right to be in a birthing clinic over the hospital.
E/L: Yeah, so, we went that route and we’re very happy we did – the midwives have been exceptionally fantastic. One of the really nice things – because as a partner in this journey (due to Covid-19) I wasn’t able to participate in a lot of the appointments leading up to it – it was nice knowing that my wife was gonna go in and talk to people that were really gonna put her mind at ease, and calm her, and really be there for her, especially when I couldn’t.
W: … and now, luckily some of the restrictions have lifted so Lee can come to the appointments, but yeah, even through the fertility aspect of things, unfortunately nobody is allowed to have their husband, or partner, whoever your person is, in for any of your appointments, so that’s been weird in the process too.
E/L: Yeah. As for what made us feel most affirmed, I have to say we’re really lucky in the time that we’re living in, that it’s not a thing so much anymore for gay people to have kids…
W: And the location we live in too…We’re lucky to be Canadians.
E/L: Super lucky to be Canadian. But yeah everybody has been really supportive – we get the odd question of like: “Oh, how did that happen?” “Well, how do you think that happened?!” [Whitney laughs] But I mean other than that, we’ve had a lot of support from strangers in our lives, families, friends, doctors… so, I would say that we’ve been very lucky.
W: …studies in the 21st century show that Queer people are better parents anyway because we are making the active choice to become parents. And we really do think about it. Not saying that friends that have gotten accidentally pregnant aren’t completely happy – but as Queer people who don’t necessarily have that luxury or aspect to be able to get accidentally pregnant with a partner, we do get the time to think on it, and that type of affirmation is formed as well… where you’re really thinking about what type of parent you’ll be.
E/L: As of right now, we’re planning on doing it all natural at the birthing clinic, taking advantage of their ‘water suite’ if you will, and other things – but we do recognize the fact that plans do change , and if we need to go to a hospital or a c-section needs to happen or whatever – totally open to that, and it’s very easy for us to go from one place to another, so it’s really been all well thought out… and I couldn’t recommend the midwives more.
N: A question for Lee not being able to physically attend appointments due to Covid: How did you cope with that and still make that kind of connection, and have your midwives done anything to make you feel more involved during the whole pregnancy? And did you have the option for a labour doula, or was Covid a problem in that?
E/L: … the world is the world that we live in, and Covid is a thing, and I totally get it. There (were) some times where I felt like I was kinda missing out on a few things here and there and that mildly irritated me, but at the same time…I had the feeling of like: you know what? Don’t get hung up about it over it because honestly, I just want my wife to be in a good head space, and I don’t want her to be in an appointment upset that I’m not there. So I always try to be super upbeat and positive about all of that. And the one nice thing about it, even though there were lockdowns, we could still always use our cellphones. And they made a point of making sure that we could talk to each other.
To answer your question about the doulas, it was something we certainly looked into, but kinda didn’t look much further once we got our midwives. We also felt that the support we were getting from the midwives was probably more than what we needed…there is a really great Doula community out there it’s just kinda the way it worked out this time for us. But we’d certainly be open to different options and for our next baby, which we certainly plan on doing! After all the fertility treatment that I went through, we have one embryo on ice! So, fingers crossed, that one is all we need to get our second baby, but yeah we’ll see what happens!
N: I think, as a trans partner, (someone who has a uterus but is identifying as a trans man), our readers would be really interested to know how you came to decide to harvest your eggs, and what that process has been like for you?
E/L: I’m happy to chat about my embryo process. We’re just on our way to our midwife appt now but I’ll be happy to record a message for you when we’re done.
BUT ALAS, they had much better things to do like labour and birth a baby! I checked in a few days later, and after 80+ hours of labour and a c-section, they had a little boy in their arms!
Then I checked in again a week after Charlie was born.
N: Hey Lee and Whitney! I’m wondering if you have any final thoughts for the interview/article? And how are you both doing?
E/L: Hey! Oh my gosh I keep meaning to reach out to you. We’re still in the NICU [at the hospital] with our little man, Charlie. It’s been a crazy long week
N: Oh shoot! What’s going on?
E/L: Our labour was insanely long. Poor Whit was going for over 80+ hrs. Our entire birth plan went right out the window and we ended up going in for an emergency c-section cause our little man was in distress. He ingested meconium so he had to go on antibiotics for that. And to top that off his heart was acting up, so we ended up having a slew of tests done on it
N: Ouf. That’s a hard ass week. How are you both doing with all of it?
E/L : I would be lying if I didn’t say it was hard. Thank goodness we’re a very good team and are strong for each other. There have been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of sadness and uncertainties. We definitely had moments of being scared and so, so worried. Thankfully the NICU staff here are beyond amazing and wonderful. They not only took such good care of our little one but they would also make sure we’re ok. Fingers crossed but if tonight goes well we’ll be leaving tomorrow!
N: This is not fun or easy. You two are doing amazing getting through it together. My fingers are so crossed for you all too. Is it just Charlie who is admitted, or is Whitney still admitted too?
E/L: Charlie is the only one admitted. Whit was discharged earlier on in the week. We’re currently in a NICU parent room. They have rooms for parents who live out of town so they don’t have to be super far from their baby
N: Thats helpful! Also, I have a colleague who advocates for parents of babies with a heart issue, IF thats something you need or want to learn more about or get support with! All this to say, you two are not alone in this scary time!
E/L:That’s good to know. As of this moment it looks like his heart situation was as a result of antibiotics, the infection he had, and the super long labour Whit was in
N: You both must be exhausted. I hope it all clears up for him!
E/L: I’m definitely at a new level of exhaustion I didn’t know was possible but it’s pretty amazing. I can definitely say being trans and going through all of this and our birth plan changing and having to end up at the hospital has kinda sucked for my dysphoria. Mostly this happened because we no longer were at the birthing clinic with our midwife who knows I’m trans. We were surrounded by a ton of nurses and doctors that didn’t know us.
So, because I don’t super present as masculine yet, I got misgendered a lot.
N: Fuck. I’m so sorry to hear that that fucking sucks! On top of everything you are already going through.
E/L: There were a lot of nurses that were pretty good about it but also a lot that weren’t. So I’ve been called momma a lot this week.
N: Fuck I’m sorry. Do you know what parent name you WANT to be called?
E/L: Yup. Dad. And thankfully the nurses in the NICU were all over that. They would always be like here’s your dad! But outside of that, it’s been really tricky
N: Ugh I’m so sorry. This inspires me to create stickers or pins for birth parents and partners. “She’s doing great, thanks for asking” (referring to Whitney)
E/L: I said that a couple of times actually!
N: I want you to know that you’re not alone, you and your experience matters
E/L: It won’t be like this forever and eventually you won’t be able to tell I was female at all but I’ve got a bit to go. I’ve been really wanting to chat with you about things but we’ve just been so tired I really appreciate you reaching out!
N: You deserve to be affirmed in your journey to new parenthood.
E/L: Thanks! Honestly, we’re happy to chat about all of it. I think it’s important for people to know that sometimes even the best laid plans go right out the window and the best thing you could do for yourself is to try to go with the flow. We obviously didn’t want to have an emergency c-section but that was what needed to be done. Obviously we didn’t want to be in the hospital for a week but here we are.
The best thing people can do in these situations is to remember, it’s not their fault, things happen and the end result is a healthy baby. No matter how you get to that point.
